20-something blank flanks
by Neustrasbourg
Summary: In a small town in Equestria, four full-grown blank flanks have an encounter with destiny. -


"...'Blank Flank'? That's what they call me, too!", Blank Flank exclaimed.

"No horseapples", the other Blank Flank sighed.

The two stallions were sitting at a table in one of the little bakery-cafés that were so common in this part of the country. One of them was a grey earth pony, the other a white pegasus.

"Call me naive, but I always thought that I was the only one...", Blank Flank the Grey said, "I thought that was kind of the deal. I had no idea there were other 'blank flanks' my age."

"Welp, there goes your 'being unique' cutie mark, I guess", Blank Flank the White snorted.

"Hey look! There's more of us!" He pointed at three foals who had just entered the café. They were just about the age average foals were supposed to get their cutie marks, but were still missing theirs.

"Hi there, fellow blank flanks! Maybe you're just like us!", the earth pony stallion said and waved at the foals.

The kids stared at the two grown ponies, burst into tears and ran back down the street.

Blank Flank the pegasus took another sip from his coffee. "I don't suppose you know why you never got your mark?"

The other stallion shrugged. "I'm irredeemably mediocre at everything I do, even the things I like, but I have no idea where THAT comes from."

"Well, the real question is, does the blankness mean one does not have a special talent at all, is it just a very difficult talent to unlock, or is it the flank that is physically unresponsive to destiny?"

-"_Tee-hee_", said a chubby unicorn mare with glasses at the table next to them, without looking up from her newspaper.

"No idea... Say... Does one of your parents happen to be a donkey, or something?"

"You think I'm a flying mule? Not that I would have anything against that, of course."

"Of course."

"Naaah. I'm a pony, for all intends and purposes. I mean, I DO have some prewalski-, and even zebra ancestry..."

"Yeah, but who doesn't? Genetic bucket chain and all."

The pegasus chuckled. "Back where I live, there was a mare prancing around claiming she was 1/18th mustang. Needless to say, the mustangs were pretty upset."

"Oh, I know the type", Blank Flank the Grey said. With a high-pitched voice, he added: "...'Oh no, I'm not appropriating anything, it is my culture too, you see, I have mustang blood in me!'..."

"I believe the formal mustang reply to this is: _'Oh really? Let me see!'_..."

-"Urrgh!" The mare from the other table let her newspaper drop, pondering whether she should just pay up and leave.

"Say, if you have no special talent, what do you do for a living?", Blank Flank the White asked.

"Truth be told... I'm kinda leeching off my parents right now. I went to law school, you know, by default. I just dropped out. I tell you, it gets depressing to be in a class with all these fierce, motivated people, and you're just barely getting by, and everyone tries to ignore you like they don't know if you're contagious... How about you?"

"I was training to become a teacher... I figured 'those who can't do, teach', see? Until I was exposed to a horde of kids for the first time, that is. Yeah, so right now I'm kinda hoping to find employment as a low-rank worker drone, to pay the bills 'til I figure out what to do with my life."

Blank Flank the Grey nodded and took a bite from his donut, using the chewing time as an occasion to phrase his next question. He didn't drink coffee, because it made him awake. He didn't like being awake.

"Do you... are you in a relationship right now?"

The unicorn from the other table was instantly glad she had stayed.

Blank Flank the Grey saw the expression on the other stallion's face and quickly waved his front hooves.

"No, no, I'm not hitting on you or anything... I'm not... you know..."

"Actually, I really _am_ gay... but I wouldn't consider dating a blank flank. No offense."

"None taken. I guess I have my answer, then."

"Yup. My flank is not the only thing that remained perfectly immaculate to this very day... Okay, seriously, that came out weird."

"Maybe you can't help it."

"Screw you."

"Dude, I wish somepony did... a mare, I mean, in my case. But I don't think it's meant to be..."

"No horseapples", the grey earth pony said. They raised their donut and coffee, respectively.

The unicorn lady had just waved at the waitress for another coffee when someone materialized on the chair next to her. It was a young unicorn stallion with an athletic built, an exquisite black coat and a luxuriant, golden mane.

"Dooms! Having cake, I see", the stallion said with a broad grin, "My, you really have abandoned all hope, haven't you? I missed you at the gym today. Because that's where I was, just now."

"Please tell me you took the time to take a shower this time." Doom Sphere rolled her eyes and got up.

"What's the matter? Aren't you going to finish your cake? It's not like it's gonna make a difference, you know." The male unicorn sighed theatrically. "It's so sad to be the only warlock in this stinking nest with even an ounce of self-respect..."

Doom Sphere's eyes turned into angry slits. "Oh, I have plenty of self-respect, _Grim Job_. Too much in fact to be wasting any time on you. I've seen your magic. You cannot even summon a decent earth spirit. Your Lam-field is out of balance, your Om-lines don't even reach deep enough into the ground... You are a joke. You don't even have a shred of talent. There is only one thing the likes of you are fit to do, and that's to kiss my big, fat rear."

Grim's eyes were glowing red and he jumped out of his chair, but he was able to contain himself. He put on something supposed to look like a smug grin and flexed his flank muscles.

"My mark would suggest otherwise."  
It was a splendid mark indeed, an elaborate arrangement of red, thorny vines forming a pentagram.  
"Yours, on the other hoof... of course what that's supposed to be is anyone's guess, with it being all mangled by your fat rolls and your cellulite and all..."

Dooms looked at her flank and couldn't help but smile. Her cutie mark was a cartoonish little ghost. "Why, little Boo-hoo McSpooky? He has always served me well. The cutie mark of a big warlock."

"The cutie mark of a _morbidly obese_ warlock, you mean. The mark of a pony who won't battle me because she knows she's just a blubbery, pretentious monstrosity."

Doom Sphere groaned. "And you're still talking! How many times do I have to tell you: the only right way for you to put those stupid lips to use is to pucker up and gently apply them on the general Boo-hoo McSpooky area. You're no warlock, you hear me? As far as the magic arts are concerned, you might as well not even exist. _Dosvedanya_."

She turned to the exit, making sure to slap him over the face with her tail.

"Raaargh!"  
He had enough. Without a warning, Grim Job jumped her and slung his front legs around her, his horn and eyes ablaze with magic. When the sparkles finally settled, the other patrons of the café could see that the two warlocks had vanished.

Blank Flank the pegasus stared at the now empty chair opposite to him. Blank Flank the earth pony was gone as well. He quickly checked under the table to make sure. Then he shrugged and took another sip from his coffee.

* * *

Doom Sphere, Grim Job and Blank Flank materialized in a little clearing just outside of town.

For a moment, Doom Sphere just stared at the other unicorn pony, then she screamed.

"YOU STEAMING PILE OF HORSEAPPLES! Did you just TELEPORT me?" She stomped on the ground with her front hooves. She was blowing steam out of her nostrils. "You NEVER, NEVER EVER teleport me without my permission! You think you can just FOALNAP me? I am going to HURT you!"

Her eyes fell on Blank Flank. She pointed at the earth pony with an accusing glare. "THERE! See that? You even teleported a random bystander! And what IS this place? Were you even planning to get us here? Do you even know the first thing about about the spells you're using?"

Only then did Grim notice Blank Flank as well.

His eyes nearly popped out. He burst into laughter. "Wait... is that a BLANK FLANK? Dude, are you for real?"

Embarassed, Blank Flank took a step back and wrapped his tail over his flank. But Grim Job levitated him and turned his rump towards Doom Sphere.

"Can you see that?! Blank as a little filly! And I thought YOU were the most pathetic pony I've ever met!"

"Leave. Him. Alone", Doom Sphere hissed, "You have enough problems of your own. Chiefly, that I am about to crush you like a bug."

Grim Job grinned and dropped the earth pony. "So you finally want to duel? Alright! Let's DUEL!"

He swung his horn, and a tiny flame kobold emerged from it, exploding on Doom Sphere's cheek. She didn't even blink, though a single tear dropped from the eye just above the zone of impact.

"Oh, you've done it, alright", Doom Sphere hissed. "However, a duel would require two opponents of roughly equal might. No, Grim, I am going to PUNISH you like the insolent brat you are. And I want wittnesses. Lots of 'em."

Her horn glowed, and she as well as Grim Job were zapped away.

Blank Flank sighed and walked back into town on his own.

* * *

Blank Flank the White looked up. A new patron had arrived at the café, a diamond dog wearing a long coat. It was rare to meet diamond dogs outside of their tunnels and dungeons, but not unheard of.

To Blank Flank's surprise, the dog creature let himself drop on the chair formerly occupied by the other blank flank.

"Can I help you?", Blank Flank asked.

"You know what it feels like when your very destiny is denied to you, horse face?", the dog whispered with his eerie, hissy voice, "You ponies, you gots your schtupid cutie marks, no one is asking questions. You're meant to be a painter, you gots a painter cutie mark! You're a writer, you gots a writer cutie mark! Someone is doubting you, you just shove that mark into their face, and you can say SEE? SEE! I'm an artist, you dumb head! I'm a poet! You gots to listen to me, it says so right on my BUTT! You don't even know what it's like without a mark... NO IDEA..."

"Actually...", Blank Flank the pegasus began.

But he never got to finish the sentence, because the diamond dog grabbed him by the neck and pressed a gun against his temple. He had been hiding the weapon inside his coat.

"Uuuh", the pegasus said, "Is that a real gun? I thought those were extinct! Did you dig that up somewhere?"

The dog didn't bother to reply. Instead, he started screeching at the startled ponies around them.  
"I have an hostage! AN HOSTAGE!"

He climbed onto one of the tables, dragging the pegasus with him.

"I'm going to read my poetry to you, and you're going to schtay put and listen! Because I'm a poet! You'll see! You're all going to listen!"

-"Mommy, why is the strange man pointing a water pistol at his head?", a little filly asked.  
-"I don't think that's a water pistol, my dear. Don't look now."  
-"Okay."

"No one EVER listens to my poetry! They say it's boring and mean spirited and self-centered and doesn't even make any sense! But you will listen to my poetry today! It's about ponies. If anyone tries to leave, this dude's splattered brains will be on your hooves! And maybe on your faces. And a little on the walls, too."

"Oh that's okay, I don't mind", Blank Flank the pegasus said, "you guys save yourselves. I 'm okay with that. I genuinely don't care."

The patrons stormed out of the café. Mere seconds later, the perplexed diamond dog and Blank Flank had the whole bakery to themselves.

"Wow. That didn't go like I hoped it would", the diamond dog said.

"Dude, what did you hope for?"

"I dunno."

Then he pulled the trigger.

* * *

Doom Sphere and Grim Job materialized at the stone circles, where the other young unicorns in town were training in the different forms of magic.

-"Doom Sphere! Hey Doom Sphere!" A tiny unicorn mare waved at her. "Haven't seen you here for a while!"  
-"Hey everypony, it's Dooms and Grim!"

"Attention, please!", Doom Sphere exclaimed in a commanding voice, "I want to share a very important lesson with you all"

When she was sure she had everypony's attention, she pointed at Grim Job. "This is what I am going to use for demonstration purposes. This imbecile thought he could abduct and bully me to his heart's content, because he has a very distorted vision of reality. I am now going to correct him once for all. Please, pay attention, because I'll only do this once."

"You fat, ugly slimeball", Grim Job hissed, "You are going down. I've waited for this a long time... You're the one who is going to learn a lesson. A lesson about being nothing but a _filthy sack of blubber_, crushed by me."

The two unicorns entered the central ring of stone monoliths, while the others gathered around at a respectful distance.  
Grim Job didn't bother to wait for any sort of signal. He pointed his horn downwards and send a bolt of lightening into the ground.

The earth started to tremble, a glowing red pentagram appeared in the middle of the stone ring, and a horned monster emerged. He wore an oversized shirt with an obscure pop culture reference on it. He roared at Doom Sphere, making her mane and tail flutter.

"Generic horndevil, semi-transparent. No pants", Doom Sphere said. "Are you even trying?"

She spat in front of the monster's feet. Her drop of saliva turned into a little green toad.

Grim Job was seriously taken aback for a moment. "Wait. What is that?"

"Toadus Totalus. You know, something a little more sophisticated."

The horndevil crushed the toad under one of his hooves, making it poop a little blue sphere.

"That was it?", Grim Job said, shaking his head, "A toad that soils itself? That was your defense?"

"Not exactly", Doom Sphere said.

The little blue marbel started to move, sprouted legs. It turned out to be an even smaller toad.  
Before the horndevil could react, the little toad opened its mouth, hit him with its rubbery tongue and sucked him in. All of this happened in just the fraction of a second.

For a moment, everyone just stared in silence. Then the little blue toad let out a thunderous belch. And then it started to transform in a whirlwind of flesh. The entity grew taller and taller until it was taller than even the highest monoliths in the stone gardens. When it had settled in its final form, it had the appearance of a beautiful alicorn giantess.

"Please hurt him", Dooms said to her creation, pointing at Grim Job.

The giant alicorn levitated Grim Job in front of her face. She then threw him into her mouth and started chewing.  
She spat him out, rolled him on the floor, then kicked him against one of the monoliths, then made him bounce back, then kicked him against another one, then made him bounce back, then kicked him against another one. She kicked him up into the air, allowed him to crash to the ground, then let herself drop on top of him.

"Break his bones. Heal him. Now break them again. You're doing great. Slowly now", Doom Sphere quietly commanded her creation. "Freeze him. Burn him. Squeeze him. Trapeze him. It's funny, I'm making up verbs at random now, and you're still obeying. That's a good girl."

Finally, Dooms nodded. "I think he's had enough. Restore his health, but please, do leave the agony. Thank you. You can go now."

The giant alicon made a bow and vanished in a cloud of glittering particles.

"I hope I made myself clear", Doom Sphere said to the quivering remains of her adversary.

Then her eyes fell on his cutie mark. Or rather, what used to be Grim Job's cutie mark, now nothing more than a pink smear.

-"Hey look everypony!", a filly in the crowd cried, "Grim Job is a blank flank! _A blank flank_! He was a blank flank all along!"

The other unicorns errupted into wild expressions of amusement and outrage.

Even Doom Sphere was taken aback by this.

Grim Job hid his face behind his front hooves, his tail wrapped around the flank. Doom Sphere walked up to him and gently brushed his tail aside to inspect the spot again.

"Of course... Magic paint... I KNEW you couldn't be a real warlock. But how...? Why...?"

"I have no special talent, okay?", Grim Job cried, "I'm just a blank flank! _A stupid old blank flank_! I _wanted_ to be a mighty warlock... I really, really wanted to be big and p-powerful... A-and I'm pathetic! I'm nothing... nothing at all... It's just like you said..."

"Just like I said, huh?", Doom Sphere wondered. "Just like I said... Now when you say 'JUST like I said'..."

She looked at the sniveling, mangled Grim Job, and a broad smile appeared on her face.  
She gently rubbed a hoof against his cheek.

"You're in luck. I'm actually in a pretty good mood right now, having utterly destroyed and humilated you and all." She lowered her head and whispered into his ear. "I think I can help you find your destiny after all."

He looked up to her with big, wet eyes. "You... you think? You would do that for m-me...?"

"Oh, it's just a hunch, but I believe I just figured out what you're _truly good at_..."  
She helped him back on his feet.  
"Go clean yourself up and get some rest. You can meet me at my house later on. You have a long night ahead of you."

* * *

Blank Flank the Grey had returned to the bakery just in time to wittness the police securing the perimeter.  
He overheard a little filly talking to her mother next to him in the crowd.

-"Mommy, was that stallion murdered?"  
-"It's okay, sweetie. We didn't know him."  
-"Okay."

Blank Flank's heart felt as if it was about to drop out of his chest. He saw two police ponies carry a dead body away on a stretcher. They had covered it with a blanket, but a leg was hanging out at the side. It was the leg of a certain white pegasus, no doubt about it.

And just above the leg, Blank Flank caught a glimpse of an elaborate cutie mark.

"Son of a birch!", he cried, "So that was his special talent all along..."  
And then he wondered to himself: Could it have been me?

The police ponies had caught the diamond dog with some sort of butterfly net and a big pair of pliers.

He was ranting vigorously, but didn't put up much of a fight otherwise.  
"Can you believe it?! They sooner let a dude DIE than to listen to my writing! Why? WHY? Why can no one appreciate my special talent?! I HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT..!"

-"Mommy, what are they going to do to the silly dog man?"  
-"They are going to remove him, my dear."  
-"Okay."

A few days later, Doom Sphere was back at the café in her favorite spot. The place was packed. The waitresses had to put themselves into overdrive. Some ponies were reciting poetry on a little stage that had just been added to the inventory.

Doom Sphere waved to get the attention of a pony at the counter.  
"One slice of triple pumpkin cheesecake, please!"

Dooms turned to a grumpy Grim Job sitting opposite to her.  
"Your treat, I presume?", she asked with a content little smile.

The baker pony cut a piece of the cake and put it on the counter. "I'm sorry, could you get it yourself? You see, we're kinda tied up right now..."

"No problem. Grim Job, would you be so kind? Oh, and no levitation, please, you know how I feel about your use of magic."

Grim Job groaned, but swallowed his pride and got up. On his way to the counter, he collided with Blank Flank's chair. The grey earth pony stallion was sitting all alone at his table, lost in thoughts, his donuts untouched.

"Hey watch it, stupid blank flank!", Grim Job cried, "Pull in your damn chair!"

"Now Grimmy, this won't do at all", Doom Sphere said. "If I remember correctly, we have another appointment this evening. It would be a shame if we had to cancel it, but surely you understand that I need a partner who can behave himself. Do you want me to take my business elsewhere...?"

Grim Job sighed. "I'm sorry", he said to Blank Flank, "it was my mistake."

"Your business...?", Blank Flank wondered. Then his eyes fell on Grim Job's brand new cutie mark, and this put a smile on his face for the first time in days.

-"Mommy, what does that man's cutie mark mean?"  
-"Don't look at that mark, sweetie."  
-"Okay."

Grim Job's face turned hot, and Doom Sphere chuckled.  
"Anyway, enjoy your dinner. Have a nice day", Grim Job snorted as he walked past Blank Flank.

"You have a nice day, too."


End file.
